Dear Mary

Dear Mary,

My husband has started to come back late after work. He gives me all sorts of excuses as to why he must work late. I suspect that my husband is having an affair with someone at work. Please advise me how to approach the problem without getting a detective agency involved.

Dear precious one,

This must be a very difficult situation for you. The gut feeling you are likely experiencing is your intuition alerting you to take notice of something! 

The important point here is that you do not yet know for certain what that ‘something’ is. I believe that you have some choices to make. But you may have to decide whether you are willing to accept the consequences of whatever you decide to do.

If you go down the path of hiring a private detective, and you are proven correct that your husband is indeed cheating on you. This choice could unveil the extent of the cheating and level of deception. This would of course be devastating, and some relationships may not survive it. Are you willing to walk away from your marriage? If not this choice is best avoided.

 Secondly, if your husband is not cheating on you and discovers you have hired a private detective. it could shatter the trust in your marriage and hurt him significantly.

For this reason, I would advise that you avoid this if you intend to work with your husband to make your marriage blissful again.

I can see from what you have written that working late is unusual for your husband, are there any other changes? Does your husband put more effort into his appearance than he used to? Does he take more calls privately, or panic when you are near his mobile devices for example? I would suggest that you pay closer attention, but without tracking him or mentioning your suspicions. 

It is exhausting to keep on lying without inadvertently revealing what is hidden. So in time you will come across evidence that you can present to him if what you believe is true. It will be evidence that you did not have to track or search for to obtain.

If you cannot wait for the cause of his late night working to be revealed, you could gather evidence yourself. But are you willing to risk your marriage to do this?

My conclusion is that regardless of whether your husband is cheating on you or not, what your gut may be alerting you to is a loss of some kind. Have you lost the intimacy you once shared? Are you feeling less confident than you used to? Did something happen previously that caused you to lose faith in your husband? 

For all of these questions and your worries about possible infidelity, the best solution I can suggest is couple’s therapy. The right therapist can help you work through issues that are difficult to discuss or handle. You may also find it to be a safe space to bring up your worries about infidelity to your husband. Healing can come from therapy, and you might find you are able inject new life and renewed romance into your marriage.

In the meantime, take excellent care of yourself, your well-being, self-care routine, and personal development. This is you choosing to nurture and love yourself when you are feeling shaky.

If your husband refuses to attend therapy with you or if he does but refuses to make any of the agreed upon changes. This may be the clearest sign that this relationship might not be for you.

Wishing you the very best

Love Mary x

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